Diet Fail

A blog post inspired by FAILblog, they never fail to provide a good laugh for me.
At the dinner table the other night Madi said, "I know what a verb is, it's a person, place or thing." I immediately corrected her, explaining, "no, that's a noun, a verb is a word that describes the noun." John's jaw totally hit the floor and he's all, "are you kidding me?" and rolling laughing. Education Fail.
Dieting. My last post in April was about me starting the hcg diet. I hadn't actually done it yet, just laid out the plan. Well, I received the hcg in the mail, started taking it and have lost 3.2lbs of which I have gained back only 4. On this diet you weigh yourself daily. Which,by the way totally sucks. Every morning I drag my big butt out of bed, slowly mope to the kitchen just to step on the scale and be reminded of how much I weigh. I then inject myself with the hcg and pour myself a diet Dr. Pepper. You may only have 500 calories split between two meals in a day. I watch the clock like a hawk just waiting to eat the 4oz of chicken breast, cucumber, one piece of Melba toast and an apple for lunch. Sounds delicious, no? I finally eat. By three I'm watching the clock again. I eat a similar dinner. After dinner I'm watching TV and it hits. The uncontrollable need to go to the kitchen and eat any and everything in the cabinet or fridge. I mean everything. The entire box of fruit snacks that are meant for the kids. All the Jello pudding cups (also the kids') from the fridge. A couple of Popsicles, some popcorn and if that's not enough I somehow manage to find chocolate! Diet fail.
Hmm, maybe I should reconsider a diet that starves you of breakfast, the meal that's held so sacredly by nutritionists to be the most important meal of the day, but allows you to drink soft drinks in any quantity.

I may be crazy!

I have an idea for a direction to take my blog. After seeing Julie and Julia, which I didn't really like, I had an idea. I'd blog about everything I put in my mouth for the course of the day. It'd be interesting because I eat total crap. I mean sometimes I get grossed out thinking about what I had to eat that day. Like, the cheap store bought cotton candy that's been sitting there for God only knows how long that I ate for breakfast this morning. I know, totally gross. Hopefully, this type of blog would serve two purposes, encourage others of how proud they should be of themselves for their total self-control and healthy eating habits; and also make me more aware of what I eat. Just maybe I wouldn't eat a Little Debbie brownie as I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner! Seriously though, I'm about to start a diet. When I say "about" it's because I had to order an injectable medication that you take daily. I ordered it, just waiting for it to arrive. The diet is called the Simeons' Protocol. It's kinda crazy. It is the diet that places advertise 'lose forty pounds in forty days guaranteed'. But I'm not going to their clinics. At work there are several (four) CRNA's that are on it and have experienced good results. Two of them went to the clinics and got started then realized they could order the Hcg online and follow the same diet protocol and not spend the $1200.00 that the clinics charge. I know this is totally crazy of me and you're thinking, "Holy crap Sharon, bad idea" and maybe it is, but I'm gonna at least try it a week. The injections help curb your appetite and force your body to use it's fat stores for energy as you're on a very low calorie, low fat, no carb diet. It's pretty extreme and I may not last a weekend but I want to give it a shot.
Before y'all start telling me the keys to loosing weight are to exercise and eat fewer calories than you burn, let me say, I know. But you're talking to someone that exercises NO self-control, but I figure if I'm sticking myself everyday I may be more likely to stick to the diet plan.

Posting

I haven't posted to this blog in so long that I couldn't even remember how. Wow, now that's bad. You see John and I share the computer and I'm too lazy to sign him out so I always just browse the web with him signed in. Then when I do decide to visit my own blog, I have to figure out how to sign him out and log me in so that I can post. Okay, done. Now to figure out how to post. Not so easy when I'm all hopped up on cold meds. Everything is kinda fuzzy and I'm shaking like crazy. Fun. So it's been, let's see, months since I last posted. I've had plenty to say but I've been spending more time on Facebook and less time here. So, If you want to know what I've been up to lately you know where to go, but here's a rundown. Work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep for three days. Then on day four I get Madi off to school and spend some one on one time with Gracie (she prefers that we go for doughnuts, but it's getting me nowhere with WW). Pick Madi up, do homework (against much protest), break up several sibling fights. Bathe and feed them, put them to bed. Throw in three soccer practices and two games over a course of four days and then the week starts over. Sounds like fun, huh.
So when are we having baby #3, let's see.....not anytime soon. I think I've gotten too old. So sorry Aunt Annie and Aunt Courtney, the girls and I will just have to live (can't think of the word...I'm on cold meds here). Vicariously, that's it. We'll just have to enjoy y'alls babies. But, Aunt Courtney I know you hate being bugged about it, so thanks to Aunt Annie, we won't mention it again. For a couple of months anyway. And, the other night at dinner. I totally did NOT tell Madi to ask you, "when are you gonna have a baby". She came up with that all on her own. Promise.
This post started as why I haven't posted, and turned into something totally different. Thank you, Theraflu.

Children's proverbs

I received this in an email, you may have seen it before, but I found it very humorous. Children are so dang funny. Some of these seem a little too smart for first graders but still very clever.

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses... until they stop running.
2. Strike while the... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of...termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...How?
6. Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
7. No news is...impossible
8. A miss is as good as a...Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust...Me.
12. The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
13. An idle mind is...the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is...not much.
17. Two's company, three's...the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as...Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand...is going to poop on you
And the WINNER and last one!
26.Better late than...Pregnant

Now, I want to add my own little humor.
Madi asked me in the car. "Mom where do babies come from? And, don't just say heaven, how do they get from heaven to inside the mommy's tummy?" I explained that it was complicated and she'd learn when she was older. She said, "well I can handle it now, I'm eight and I won't throw up or anything, I promise."

Guilty

I couldn't remember the last time I called in sick to work and I'm really exhausted so I called in for tomorrow. Now this is something I've never done before, calling in the night before. First, let me say the lady working the night before is waaay nicer than the beeotch that answers the phone a 5 am. She's always so completely rude and not sympathetic at all that you're sick, or "sick" wink, wink. I later remembered that the last time I called in fake sick to work I blogged about it so I came over here to see exactly how long it'd been. Not that long, so now I feel kinda guilty, but not too guilty. Tomorrow was an extra shift. The third extra shift in as many weeks. I have a couple more things to blog about but am gonna save it for later when the girls aren't about to kill each other.

New Low

I happened upon this blog post just after ordering my bathing suit from Land's End for vacation. Apparently, I've reached a new low. But, boy are my girls worth it! Yes, still using the 'baby weight' excuse and Gracie is 4.

Vacation Checklist

We've been to Destin twice. The first time Madi was 3 and we went with friends. The evening before we left I took her to get a haircut and they totally botched her hair. Last year about a month before our family vacation I got the worst haircut of my life. So, yesterday I was in desperate need of a bang trim and thought, "We'll all get trims before vacation." Bad idea. We went to Fantastic Sams in Burleson where I have taken the girls for the past couple of years and they always do a fantastic job. So Gracie goes first and I tell the stylist "just a half inch off all the way around and a bang trim." A second stylist for Madi and I give her the same instructions. Third stylist for me, "bang trim, shape up my layers", so here we are all in a row with Madi next to me and Gracie just outside of eye shot on the other side of her. Madi's done first, looks great. I'm thinking, "she's sure taking a long time on Grace for such a simple little trim." Finally, Gracie appears in front of me to show off her new look. "Oh, sweetheart, you look...cute." She took half an inch off her bangs! It was hard for me to hide my disappointment. Poor baby, it looks as if she cut them herself.
One bad hair cut...check.